This is a quick draft of one of my preferred ideas. Its changed a fair bit since the initial idea, but the essence of the original thought still remains. It is a little early to commit to an idea, which is why I wish to make it clear that this is by no means a final screenplay. I simply wanted to elaborate upon the original idea in a way that described exactly what I am visualising for this idea.
Patchwork Pals- Version One
sweet story man , the initial idea is solid and I think that what you've added to it is really good, I particularly like the DIY lab kit (just add Uranium, lol) but you might be overstuffing the scene a little bit. I think there might be too much information in it, the opening scene is both funny and clever but is it necessary? you might also struggle with the scale of your environments. I liked the idea of having a small pet shop sized building with a small cellar and all the monsters and henchmen are stackeds on shelves or piled in boxes. I think you can find a way to tell your story a bit more simply but I'd be more than happy for you to disagree with me on these points as I'd rather like to see this at the end of week 5 ;)
ReplyDeletethanks for the feedback, man. i agree, it feels a little busy in the opening section (especially the cut from the front door to the hallway. for roughly ten seconds screen time, that transition is totally unnecessary.)
ReplyDeleteG'day Creative partner!!
ReplyDeleteYou've probably guessed by now I'm your creative partner for this unit! Really looking forward working with you, Simon, Ilmi and Jamie as a team! ^_^
Great start to the project! I'm liking this story!! I agree with Freddie about the over stuffed scene. The openings good but I'm quite confused on the whole genre of the story, keeping to sci-fi's good as theres a lot of science stuff there but if its horror, wrong footing the audience (like the opening) could add tension to the main story??
Just a wee suggestion, for the INT and EXT places add them as different scenes as its set in a different area. That way its more easier to understand as at the min I'm seeing alot of "Cut to's"!!
Hope my first comment as a creative partner has been helpful. Can't wait to see more!! Keep it up!! ('∀')/b
Hey Steve,
ReplyDeleteThere's lots of nice visual humour here, but I'm going to suggest that there might be some gold to be mined in your first idea too (and how it might synch up with what is appealing about your idea above). The idea of this little 'Frankenstein' is cute - and the opening, in which some ridiculous gadget is delivered is fun and toony, and the joke of it being a child - not some looming monster is very nice. For this joke to work nicely, the design of the house could be more obviously 'gothic' and haunted housey - so that the reveal of the cute kid is even sweeter. What I liked about the first idea was the image of Frankie building his creation from pets; but obviously, he would need electricity to bring his creation to life - and what is it that you're told never to do in a thunderstorm? Put your umbrella up - why? Because it will attract lightening...
I do like the idea of the 'monstrous minion' idea - but you've got a chop and change of environments and a fair amount of tooing and froing; if you restricted the story to Frankie's lab - with the story somehow developing around his efforts to bring life to his creation, that might tighten everything up. Anyway, as everyone knows, Frankenstein has to have an 'Igor' so maybe you can have a cute 'igor' minion in the mix as part of the tradition of the pastiche?